Single Gay Bear

G(r)ay'ing Old...er still! 50 looking me up the butt!

My Bi-Annual self analysis. Is there a doctor in the house? Please!

            I always was a loner. Ever since I can remember I liked being alone. Now once again the question bubbles to the surface; should I let myself have another go at love? Torture myself  is more the right term, torture myself with the what if's, what if Mr Right showed up right now, would I let him into my world, my life?(Saying that as if it's a special privelege LOL). A friend recently said about herself(Being single late in life) that she strongly believed she used to fall in love with love; the newness, thrill and excitement, then poof, she was bored and would move on. A trail of broken hearts she would leave trailing behind her. The Queen of broken hearts is what her friends that were settling down would call her.
            Granted there is a certain high when beginning a new relationship so I see the addictive possibility. It wasn't like that for me, when I fell in love it was for the long haul! The three times I got my heart broken were for 3 totally different reasons(No pattern except bad choices). And due to confusion on my part I regretably did  have to break two hearts I loved.(Two that I know of). The first my now Ex wife and the other a man, physically pleasing to the eye but a challenge to my mind; he wasn't "Out" which was hard to deal with since I was now "Out and Proud" not ever going back into that closet. That and the fact that my previous lover convinced me to give him another chance eventually let me go again.
             It being fall/winter, cuddling season, I believe it's awakening old feelings, those romantic cozy times with someone special. Spring when I was still young and single it was the total opposite...I would be boy crazy, sorta like Mr right now and in the morning(If he was lucky enough to sleep over) Coffee and possible tel. exchange. Sorta the male bimbo I so loathed. Nowadays the view from the top of the hill(Way over by Gay standards) is questionable; finish my life alone like I always liked it, keep that door well shut not letting a smidgen of a draft through or open it and see what happens. I've said it before, Maybe I have become complicated, sorta stuck in my ways. I sure can come up with a ton of excuses for nay or yay; but at the same i realize they are just that, excuses.
             Looking back my three Gay relationships were a challenge each in different ways. Like most, I always strived to achieve what I would see as the picture perfect relationship. The couple/family thing except no new kids as I already had one. A partnership to face and challenge the world together.
             Karma(She is a bitch) had decided no. If I believe in her I'm probably paying for getting married knowing I was Gay confused. My first Gay love, not totally out therefore complicated - not offering the public couple thing I so wanted, the second, was a one way love affair and the third, had his own psychological demons to deal with.
             Now having re-voiced my inner memories I just may have answered my own question. The deal breaker might be as obvious as fear of rejection.(Another excuse. I warned you I had plenty). Some say if it's meant to be, it will happen. Ya but I have to come out of my cave for that possible chance to happen! Aggrrrr, my own Drama is killing me! There I've yoyo'ed myself into deciding there is no time for a significant other(Best excuse to date). The imaginary husband will just have to do, that and my right hand assistant, Mrs Mary Palmer.

But admittably so, I am a little lonely. Friends are great but a hot hairy hubby would do this body good :)

Then again they say that about Vegetable soup don't they...

Daddys!!! 

                                       
Both photos borrowed from the internet - Thank you internet, fantasy almost fullfilled.

                               

Cutie Patootie!!!                                          

These babes would look good in my vegetable soup, Hmmmm.

Silly little(Ok not so little)dreamer!

Thanks for listening Doc.

Crazy Puberty moments...Mr.Mr.

        A blogger I was following recently wrote a story that had me chuckling and stirred some old memories of  my own puberty and the crazy thoughts that would arise looking for appeasement...

His name was Mr. Mr. and to say he was a God would not have done him justice.

          A silly 12 or 13 year old(or younger) like most boys my age dealing with puberty and my raging hormones or testosterone always thinking I would go mad. Guys you know what I mean when I say... keeping my buddy(Mr Happy) down was a full time job. But unlike most boys it was older men that lit my torch.
          I was the newspaper delivery boy, the kid you would see in the old movies throwing the paper onto front porches. Deliveries were made in the wee hours of the morning and fees collected from the customers one evening a week. A boring job but it gave me an income for the movies, Pin-Ball and pocket change.
         Nothing special ever happened, same old same old every week until the evening I was collecting and Mr Mr answered the door. Being a new customer on my route I therefore had never met him before. The door opened I gasped and thought I was gonna die! Here 2 feet from me, in my face, the man of my dreams. A manly man, 6 feet tall, football player physique, short black curly hair, a thick mat of chest hair with a matching(Tom Selick) 70's mustache wearing nothing but a white terry bath towel around his waist. My ideal wet dream! I stuttered and muttered "Gazette"(The paper I was collecting for). He said something I presume to the effect of, how much do I owe you or what not and I started babbling and shaking not sure what the question was. Red faced, my head was getting hot and my forehead was already wet with perspiration. He asked if I was OK and I think I answered "ya". I could not stop staring at his chest and the towel I wished would magically drop! As he walked away to get his wallet, I watched, my heart racing like a horse running wild! I stared in awe watching those strong hairy calves, the tease of leg below the hem of the towel and the curve of his perfect butt outlined in that damp towel. Before I could blink, he was back and saw my lusty stare on his towel. He played it cool, paid me and saying thank you started to close the door. My mind raced forward, I wanted to hear him say come in. Let me touch him if even accidentally, pull off the towel and see his manliness in it's entirety. I wanted to do everything nasty with him and to him. No one needed to know our little secret. Fumble and drop the money so that you have to bend down in front of him I told myself.
            My fantasy took flight... I pushed him backwards grabbing the towel, he backed up and fell onto the bed. I jumped up and straddled his mid section pinning his arms down on either side of his head. Slowly I kissed his neck, working my way down his chest stopping only momentarily to suckle on his right nipple. He let out a moan of pleasure as I worked my way down his abdomen slowing again above his groin. My right hand took hold of his rock hard penis, my tongue gliding under it's head, my lips closing onto it in a wet kiss. He let out a pleading groan of pleasure, my vision blurred; my fantasy, my first time with the man of my dreams just behind this closing door. Before he had the chance to close it completely I said shakily, "excuse me sir, euh, are you a famous football or baseball player?" Another fantasy another time. He shook his head creasing his forehead and said no. Thinking faster still, wanting to keep him here in front of me, still hoping he would decide to invite me in I blurted out "cause if you were I would love to have your autograph." He smiled and this time shut the door. Dizzy, I walked down the stairs to the pavement, realizing my own penis was throbbing in pain longing to be soothed by his big masculine hand, his mouth, that mustache! Sexual thoughts screaming out of control in my head, I ran back up to his door. I had to see him again and this time touch him, tell him to have his way with me. Shaking I rang the doorbell, I started shivering, my lust filled thoughts blocking any common sense, the door was opening slowly, the voice that questioned, "yes?" was not the right voice, it wasn't his voice! Once the door fully opened, standing there in front of me was none other than a woman! My mind exploded ...Aaarrrrrr I was hurt disappointed and freaked out all in the same moment. My sensuality, passion and lust all squished in a flash, like stepping on an unsuspecting bug. She had no place in my fantasy!  She ruined everything. Was he with her? My fantasy man was with a woman, this woman! Say something you idiot I thought! "Euh is Mr Mr busy?" Trying to see past her into the house she replied "Yes, why?" Think fast, think fast, "euh, I wanted to make sure he was satisfied with my paper delivery." "Yes, yes everything is fine, thank you." The door again closed, I had a sinking feeling it was for the last time. I ran down the stairs sure I was gonna hurl, my stomach was full of knots and hurting bad! I wanted to cry, damn her. She ruined what could have, would have been my bliss, my perfect first time.
          Early the next morning the news paper Head Office sent me a cancellation notice. She was on to me! Well, needless to say his body image was permanently etched into my brain and got me through a period I thought I would go absolutely insane! Puberty, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

 Thank You Mr. Mr. wherever you are.

Dear Gay confused 15 year old me...

Alan, The year is 2012

I am writing you from your future self (Some 34 years from now). I just wanted to tell you, I know I have a strange way of showing it but I do love you. Your journey so far has been complicated to say the least. The bullying is almost over. That girl you like as a friend, she will play an important role in your last two years of high school hell and more. She will soon introduce you to the next level of your role, Hetero sex. As scary as it sounds and as an unwilling player you wanna be, you will do fine. This new complication will at least give you some relief from the daily torcher you are enduring as word will get out and the Bullies will be confused. It will somewhat throw them off your trail. I have so much to tell you but so much you must learn on your own as it will make you who I am today; And I hope you would not want to change me if we were to meet. If I could have been there with the knowledge I have now, Wow...

You are right, you are Gay. That is what they meant all those years they called you a faggot and the dictionary said it was a cigarette or bundle of sticks?! It isn't some temporary puberty thing that doesn't want to wear off. It will never go away but you will one day embrace it. Wanna hug you and say it will be OK. I know you think you are all alone in this world and you are an actor playing the role of your life.

My eyes are full of tears now as I watched you perform, I know it is killing you. I would give you a well deserved trophy for doing what you felt was best. You gave the world at that time what you felt they expected of you. You did it alone feeling like you had a cancer(Gayness) inside of you, rotting away your insides. Not being able to share it with anyone. Oh, by the way, Those Catholic nun's that came to talk to your all boy Ethics class had no clue what they were saying. You will not get throat cancer. Don't waist your time hating those boys that pointed and smirked, "you hear that Hazek" as the nuns turned their attention to your face turning crimson.

It's 1978, so you won't hear of "Gay Straight Alliances" as they won't be invented in time for you. I know there seems like there is nothing but negative information circulating about Homosexuality. You will find some good ones, the times are changing slowly. You will finally find out that the boy in elementary school you felt a connection to, Adam C, the one that had committed suicide over the summer before starting high school was probably actually Gay, a fag as they said. If only you two formed a stronger bond...But "only's" just stay on the floor to be swept away.

I don't know how you persevered. But am glad you did. You re in for a wicked ride.

You will marry that girl from high school hell, have a son, get divorced and don't panic, be a Grandfather in your 49th year. Your son, he will drift away in time for his own reasons but console yourself that you will again have done your very best. He may not handle the Homosexual angle too well.

Great people will come into your life.You will have some incredible lovers and fabulous sex but all in due time.

In other words, thank you, you'll do OK.

There will come a day when Gay(Fag as you know it) will be OK!

It will also be known as Queerness.

Much Luv, your future self.



G(r)ay'ing Old...er

Old and Lonely ... Or am I?

My "Gay World" as parallel as it seems to be to that of its counterpart "Hetero World" is different in so many ways.

It seems or so I have noticed, in the Hetero world, the males  seem to have a biased advantage over us. Age for one; They seem to stay attractive to women late into their twilight years. Yet in the Gay World after 30 years of age you become past dated by most standards. Hetero men can be style challenged and clueless to color co-ordination but their female partners(Or Gay stylists) are happy to step up to the challenge of creating their perfect "Ken". I may not have the so called "Gay savvy" gene but I do get by to the best of my ability with what I have to work with. But looking at allot of the younger crowd of Gays or Queers as they prefer to be called, I am really out of touch.{I am not talking about the "Bear" crowd, but more of "the pretty boys" as we sometimes call them.}(Personally Partial to Pretty, Hairy Masculine Bear types - a combo of both Gay sub cultures).

Recently I read an article about one of the oldest Gay couples that we seemed to know of. Apparently they were together something like 60 years or so. They were in the news as one passed away in his late 90's and his partner(Late 80's) followed suit within days. Speculation was he could not go on without his love of his lifetime. It left me teary eyed yet happy that it showed us in a positive light. That being Gay we are not just a bunch of Man whores or Bimbo's but can be loving devoted partners.

Made me think of my present state of affairs...Single, soon to be 49 in the year 2012, over the hill by Gay standards but self questioning - Am I lonely? I tell myself if you have to ask yourself you probably aren't. I mean I have my 2 dogs that need me and 2 cats(although rather independent still need me to feed and see to their litter needs).

Being my own contradiction is a daunting task! One month I'll be joining a Gay dating website and as soon as I get a few "Winks","Grrr's" or "Woofs" as they call them, I panic and ask myself "What the hell are you doing? Haven't your last relationships that were supposed to last a lifetime hurtful enough?" At least I am not leading anybody on but myself. Maybe psychologically speaking I'm just testing the waters; doing a sort of personal evaluation/rating of myself at this point in time of my life. Now to add the point in fact that once you reach a certain age you slowly get stuck in your ways. Having a partner to share life with would mean getting used to different challenges, presumably mostly good, but - challenges none the less.

So where does this leave me...

Still gonna be 49, still single, only as old as I feel and busy enough not to feel the urge to partner-up anytime soon, or so I have myself convinced at this moment in time.

Let the Hetero world with their ageless males lay claim to endless scores of female affection. I've got my babies(Pets), my memories of Lovers long gone and my knitting...

Knit one, pearl two, Knit one pearl two, Knit one, pearl two...

A lonely old man, I think not...Frustrated, maybe, NOT!

(Or at least that is what my ego claims)

Purple Triangle Blocks

The Art of fitting in or Not...



I'm old enough to remember wooden educational blocks we were given as kids. Similar to their colorful counter part/building blocks except these had a higher mission. Their mission; to test your IQ of sorts. Squares, triangles and circles that had to be put or hammered into their matching oracles. 
When my son was born it was a tricolored hexagonal plastic sphere, blue, red and yellow with colorful shapes that again had to be put into their appropriate holes. Look at me here passing the fitting in torch of sorts. 
Everywhere I look it seems it's always about fitting in or not...

I was(am) the purple triangular block that was supposed to go into the triangular opening but my life was more like putting that block through the round hole where it would get stuck or the square one whereas it would slip through not feeling right. Lucky for me there was no star shape...

Bottom line; I don't feel till this day(49 years of life in 2012) that I fit in a particular category with anything or anybody.
Recently I filled out a profile on yet another Gay oriented dating/chat web site - Why, because I don't know. Maybe I do but...? Just maybe I don't! Lets just sum it up to the need for inclusion.

Again the categories, Top, Bottom Versatile, Masc. Fem. Daddy, Otter, Bear, Polar bear, Boy toy, Twink... We all have our preferences to a certain degree but when do they become such ugly innuendo's like "Fetish"? Seems dirty but not the sexy dirty because here we go again with categorizing!

What if like the song by I believe it was Whitney Houston "I'm every woman" - I'm a little bit of this but more of that but still versatile in this; sort of like a recipe without the measuring instruments...Would you get me? Then again would I get me?(Redundant) Ya, I would!

There was a children's Christmas cartoon when I was a kid and it was about misfit toys that would end up on an island of misfits where Rudolph the red nosed reindeer soon ended up too after alot of bullying from his fellow reindeer. I actually connected somewhat with them. At first I was filled with sadness for them but in my mind turned it around to them being happy together in their world. Then I realized it was again a category in itself...

Where do you go when you feel like a misfit, how did this come about. I've often joked that I am waiting for the mother ship to take me home to my planet of like aliens. There we are, but aren't; we don't even consider fitting in or not, we just is!

I'm so lonely in this business they call a life, it would be a good time to go home.

Can't say I didn't give it a try - and don't tell me I didn't try hard enough!

I'm done.  

Not sure what came first, me the loner or me becoming a loner because I'm not what I feel they want me to be. Maybe because of this grouping thing I subconsciously feel like I am limiting myself somewhat. Stay tuned.

Queer History Month Canada - YES!

Finally in the talks, Queer History Month!

-May-

Today I got wind that there was to be talk of a Queer history month just like the well known, Black History month. The meeting took place today in the city of Toronto's Town Hall but the live stream was constantly cutting so I could only get bits and pieces but it  still was interesting and exciting.
Looks like it will be the Month of May this year 2012.

Like many others I have been wondering why this was not thought of or done sooner.

Our Queer history is still being mapped out as we speak; it is still quite young but it should be mapped out to preserve what was established and help future generations in keeping it up.

Possibly modern day Bullying and sadly the increase in teenage suicides might have pushed the absolute need for this forward.

We need to map as far back as we can go telling our stories of who what where and when things happened and the results of it. I blogged on their page with my findings but 3 days later I saw that I was the only one that offered input as they requested...  

For myself I feel like my head is everywhere as to how our present state of affairs has been established. It should be something that will be taught in the school curriculum from a very young age onwards regardless of religious views. My biggest information source about our past is a book I found published in New York by Henry Holt & Co.1998 - Completely Queer "The Gay and Lesbian Encyclopedia" by Steve Hogan and Lee Hudson

Children don't automatically have a problem seeing two men or two women  kiss, hold hands or even get married until their parents tell them they themselves feel it is wrong. In that same thought Queerness and or Queer awareness should not/cannot be seen as wrong. Unlike Black history month and others, religion will be our biggest obstacle.

I've always said it and I will continue saying it, educate to eliminate the fear of the unknown.
 Fear of the unknown can entice hate.

Being a divorced father(From a Hetero marriage) and having my young son visit while my new long term (Gay)partner was present I saw no problem that he should see us occasionally kiss. He(my son) would see it as a natural occurrence of Love; A secondary family unit for him. 

Change will come we just have to stand our ground!

Gay Royalty

A long way from high school Proms with their favorite King or Queen:
Drag Queens, Drag Kings

Male/Female impersonators no longer just for the Gay night circuit crowd!

Who doesn't like a little camp? I know I know, it's a take it or leave it kind of comedy. Personally I love it! I think they are hilarious. I've never actually seen Drag Kings(Girls) but have heard of great reviews and competitions. My best Lesbian friend pulled off a "Brad Pitt" look alike for Halloween this past year. It was really good!


The most famous Drag Queen from yester-years here in Quebec and France was "Guilda" (He came very close to resembling Maryline Monroe). There is also the American Icon Divine!(Harris Glenn Milstead) Best known for staring in films by his friend John Waters and his last performance "Hairspray1988"(Before John Travolta's version). Most nowadays know of  RuPaul(Blond below with his alter ego as a man), the African American model whom is over 6 feet tall and whom used to have his own line of makeup called M.A.C.  Truly a sight to see! He/She even has his own drag academy of sorts where competitions are held. I've seen a few episodes on the Gay cable network and found it Bitchingly hilarious! "Rupaul's Drag Race". This past year(2011) I saw the Thompson Twins on stage. One brother did female impersonations while the other did famous male musicians, Elton John, Stevie Wonder and Andrea Bottelli! The brother that happened to be Gay did the most amazing Cher impersonations, the costume was way over the top(almost nude with black duct tape in a V from his crotch and over his shoulders prancing around in knee high stiletto booted heals, he even had a fake tattoo on his butt like hers! He pulled off an excellent Barbara Streisand, and Bette Midler too. Years ago in Acapulco with my then Boyfriend I got to see a drag show of famous American female artists and these guys were amazingly beautiful in their costumes, the best one of all was Ertha Kitt in a slick shiny black latex cat costume and whip.


Here in Montreal we have our own quite famous "Mado Lamotte". A far cry from trying to be beautiful, he calls himself a clown for adults. He's done shows in France and at our famous Casino and has his own Cabaret here in the village. A Cabaret that is hard to miss as a larger than life 3D(resin) version of himself with his iconic huge diamond ring lay above the outdoor entrance. Many of the "In" bars have a Drag Queen at the entrance to greet you or for the cover charge if there is one. The Bear bars don't go for these nor do the leather fetish scenes. In Toronto there is a famous restaurant(Zelda's I believe)who has a Drag Queen as a waitress. None of these come close to Rupaul's Super-model status. As for impersonators we have those too. Some of  the most famous, Jimmy Moore => Lady Gaga, Madona, Michael Jackson, Celine Dion While Cantelli is known to do =>Tina Turner and more.

Either way you look at it they are entertaining and they respectfully put alot of work into their craft. Entertaining, a good laugh!
That's me in the sleek red fishtail gown!
No just kidding, a scene from Rupaul's Pandora's box Dolls.