Single Gay Bear

G(r)ay'ing Old...er still! 50 looking me up the butt!

My Bi-Annual self analysis. Is there a doctor in the house? Please!

            I always was a loner. Ever since I can remember I liked being alone. Now once again the question bubbles to the surface; should I let myself have another go at love? Torture myself  is more the right term, torture myself with the what if's, what if Mr Right showed up right now, would I let him into my world, my life?(Saying that as if it's a special privelege LOL). A friend recently said about herself(Being single late in life) that she strongly believed she used to fall in love with love; the newness, thrill and excitement, then poof, she was bored and would move on. A trail of broken hearts she would leave trailing behind her. The Queen of broken hearts is what her friends that were settling down would call her.
            Granted there is a certain high when beginning a new relationship so I see the addictive possibility. It wasn't like that for me, when I fell in love it was for the long haul! The three times I got my heart broken were for 3 totally different reasons(No pattern except bad choices). And due to confusion on my part I regretably did  have to break two hearts I loved.(Two that I know of). The first my now Ex wife and the other a man, physically pleasing to the eye but a challenge to my mind; he wasn't "Out" which was hard to deal with since I was now "Out and Proud" not ever going back into that closet. That and the fact that my previous lover convinced me to give him another chance eventually let me go again.
             It being fall/winter, cuddling season, I believe it's awakening old feelings, those romantic cozy times with someone special. Spring when I was still young and single it was the total opposite...I would be boy crazy, sorta like Mr right now and in the morning(If he was lucky enough to sleep over) Coffee and possible tel. exchange. Sorta the male bimbo I so loathed. Nowadays the view from the top of the hill(Way over by Gay standards) is questionable; finish my life alone like I always liked it, keep that door well shut not letting a smidgen of a draft through or open it and see what happens. I've said it before, Maybe I have become complicated, sorta stuck in my ways. I sure can come up with a ton of excuses for nay or yay; but at the same i realize they are just that, excuses.
             Looking back my three Gay relationships were a challenge each in different ways. Like most, I always strived to achieve what I would see as the picture perfect relationship. The couple/family thing except no new kids as I already had one. A partnership to face and challenge the world together.
             Karma(She is a bitch) had decided no. If I believe in her I'm probably paying for getting married knowing I was Gay confused. My first Gay love, not totally out therefore complicated - not offering the public couple thing I so wanted, the second, was a one way love affair and the third, had his own psychological demons to deal with.
             Now having re-voiced my inner memories I just may have answered my own question. The deal breaker might be as obvious as fear of rejection.(Another excuse. I warned you I had plenty). Some say if it's meant to be, it will happen. Ya but I have to come out of my cave for that possible chance to happen! Aggrrrr, my own Drama is killing me! There I've yoyo'ed myself into deciding there is no time for a significant other(Best excuse to date). The imaginary husband will just have to do, that and my right hand assistant, Mrs Mary Palmer.

But admittably so, I am a little lonely. Friends are great but a hot hairy hubby would do this body good :)

Then again they say that about Vegetable soup don't they...

Daddys!!! 

                                       
Both photos borrowed from the internet - Thank you internet, fantasy almost fullfilled.

                               

Cutie Patootie!!!                                          

These babes would look good in my vegetable soup, Hmmmm.

Silly little(Ok not so little)dreamer!

Thanks for listening Doc.

Crazy Puberty moments...Mr.Mr.

        A blogger I was following recently wrote a story that had me chuckling and stirred some old memories of  my own puberty and the crazy thoughts that would arise looking for appeasement...

His name was Mr. Mr. and to say he was a God would not have done him justice.

          A silly 12 or 13 year old(or younger) like most boys my age dealing with puberty and my raging hormones or testosterone always thinking I would go mad. Guys you know what I mean when I say... keeping my buddy(Mr Happy) down was a full time job. But unlike most boys it was older men that lit my torch.
          I was the newspaper delivery boy, the kid you would see in the old movies throwing the paper onto front porches. Deliveries were made in the wee hours of the morning and fees collected from the customers one evening a week. A boring job but it gave me an income for the movies, Pin-Ball and pocket change.
         Nothing special ever happened, same old same old every week until the evening I was collecting and Mr Mr answered the door. Being a new customer on my route I therefore had never met him before. The door opened I gasped and thought I was gonna die! Here 2 feet from me, in my face, the man of my dreams. A manly man, 6 feet tall, football player physique, short black curly hair, a thick mat of chest hair with a matching(Tom Selick) 70's mustache wearing nothing but a white terry bath towel around his waist. My ideal wet dream! I stuttered and muttered "Gazette"(The paper I was collecting for). He said something I presume to the effect of, how much do I owe you or what not and I started babbling and shaking not sure what the question was. Red faced, my head was getting hot and my forehead was already wet with perspiration. He asked if I was OK and I think I answered "ya". I could not stop staring at his chest and the towel I wished would magically drop! As he walked away to get his wallet, I watched, my heart racing like a horse running wild! I stared in awe watching those strong hairy calves, the tease of leg below the hem of the towel and the curve of his perfect butt outlined in that damp towel. Before I could blink, he was back and saw my lusty stare on his towel. He played it cool, paid me and saying thank you started to close the door. My mind raced forward, I wanted to hear him say come in. Let me touch him if even accidentally, pull off the towel and see his manliness in it's entirety. I wanted to do everything nasty with him and to him. No one needed to know our little secret. Fumble and drop the money so that you have to bend down in front of him I told myself.
            My fantasy took flight... I pushed him backwards grabbing the towel, he backed up and fell onto the bed. I jumped up and straddled his mid section pinning his arms down on either side of his head. Slowly I kissed his neck, working my way down his chest stopping only momentarily to suckle on his right nipple. He let out a moan of pleasure as I worked my way down his abdomen slowing again above his groin. My right hand took hold of his rock hard penis, my tongue gliding under it's head, my lips closing onto it in a wet kiss. He let out a pleading groan of pleasure, my vision blurred; my fantasy, my first time with the man of my dreams just behind this closing door. Before he had the chance to close it completely I said shakily, "excuse me sir, euh, are you a famous football or baseball player?" Another fantasy another time. He shook his head creasing his forehead and said no. Thinking faster still, wanting to keep him here in front of me, still hoping he would decide to invite me in I blurted out "cause if you were I would love to have your autograph." He smiled and this time shut the door. Dizzy, I walked down the stairs to the pavement, realizing my own penis was throbbing in pain longing to be soothed by his big masculine hand, his mouth, that mustache! Sexual thoughts screaming out of control in my head, I ran back up to his door. I had to see him again and this time touch him, tell him to have his way with me. Shaking I rang the doorbell, I started shivering, my lust filled thoughts blocking any common sense, the door was opening slowly, the voice that questioned, "yes?" was not the right voice, it wasn't his voice! Once the door fully opened, standing there in front of me was none other than a woman! My mind exploded ...Aaarrrrrr I was hurt disappointed and freaked out all in the same moment. My sensuality, passion and lust all squished in a flash, like stepping on an unsuspecting bug. She had no place in my fantasy!  She ruined everything. Was he with her? My fantasy man was with a woman, this woman! Say something you idiot I thought! "Euh is Mr Mr busy?" Trying to see past her into the house she replied "Yes, why?" Think fast, think fast, "euh, I wanted to make sure he was satisfied with my paper delivery." "Yes, yes everything is fine, thank you." The door again closed, I had a sinking feeling it was for the last time. I ran down the stairs sure I was gonna hurl, my stomach was full of knots and hurting bad! I wanted to cry, damn her. She ruined what could have, would have been my bliss, my perfect first time.
          Early the next morning the news paper Head Office sent me a cancellation notice. She was on to me! Well, needless to say his body image was permanently etched into my brain and got me through a period I thought I would go absolutely insane! Puberty, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

 Thank You Mr. Mr. wherever you are.

Dear Gay confused 15 year old me...

Alan, The year is 2012

I am writing you from your future self (Some 34 years from now). I just wanted to tell you, I know I have a strange way of showing it but I do love you. Your journey so far has been complicated to say the least. The bullying is almost over. That girl you like as a friend, she will play an important role in your last two years of high school hell and more. She will soon introduce you to the next level of your role, Hetero sex. As scary as it sounds and as an unwilling player you wanna be, you will do fine. This new complication will at least give you some relief from the daily torcher you are enduring as word will get out and the Bullies will be confused. It will somewhat throw them off your trail. I have so much to tell you but so much you must learn on your own as it will make you who I am today; And I hope you would not want to change me if we were to meet. If I could have been there with the knowledge I have now, Wow...

You are right, you are Gay. That is what they meant all those years they called you a faggot and the dictionary said it was a cigarette or bundle of sticks?! It isn't some temporary puberty thing that doesn't want to wear off. It will never go away but you will one day embrace it. Wanna hug you and say it will be OK. I know you think you are all alone in this world and you are an actor playing the role of your life.

My eyes are full of tears now as I watched you perform, I know it is killing you. I would give you a well deserved trophy for doing what you felt was best. You gave the world at that time what you felt they expected of you. You did it alone feeling like you had a cancer(Gayness) inside of you, rotting away your insides. Not being able to share it with anyone. Oh, by the way, Those Catholic nun's that came to talk to your all boy Ethics class had no clue what they were saying. You will not get throat cancer. Don't waist your time hating those boys that pointed and smirked, "you hear that Hazek" as the nuns turned their attention to your face turning crimson.

It's 1978, so you won't hear of "Gay Straight Alliances" as they won't be invented in time for you. I know there seems like there is nothing but negative information circulating about Homosexuality. You will find some good ones, the times are changing slowly. You will finally find out that the boy in elementary school you felt a connection to, Adam C, the one that had committed suicide over the summer before starting high school was probably actually Gay, a fag as they said. If only you two formed a stronger bond...But "only's" just stay on the floor to be swept away.

I don't know how you persevered. But am glad you did. You re in for a wicked ride.

You will marry that girl from high school hell, have a son, get divorced and don't panic, be a Grandfather in your 49th year. Your son, he will drift away in time for his own reasons but console yourself that you will again have done your very best. He may not handle the Homosexual angle too well.

Great people will come into your life.You will have some incredible lovers and fabulous sex but all in due time.

In other words, thank you, you'll do OK.

There will come a day when Gay(Fag as you know it) will be OK!

It will also be known as Queerness.

Much Luv, your future self.



G(r)ay'ing Old...er

Old and Lonely ... Or am I?

My "Gay World" as parallel as it seems to be to that of its counterpart "Hetero World" is different in so many ways.

It seems or so I have noticed, in the Hetero world, the males  seem to have a biased advantage over us. Age for one; They seem to stay attractive to women late into their twilight years. Yet in the Gay World after 30 years of age you become past dated by most standards. Hetero men can be style challenged and clueless to color co-ordination but their female partners(Or Gay stylists) are happy to step up to the challenge of creating their perfect "Ken". I may not have the so called "Gay savvy" gene but I do get by to the best of my ability with what I have to work with. But looking at allot of the younger crowd of Gays or Queers as they prefer to be called, I am really out of touch.{I am not talking about the "Bear" crowd, but more of "the pretty boys" as we sometimes call them.}(Personally Partial to Pretty, Hairy Masculine Bear types - a combo of both Gay sub cultures).

Recently I read an article about one of the oldest Gay couples that we seemed to know of. Apparently they were together something like 60 years or so. They were in the news as one passed away in his late 90's and his partner(Late 80's) followed suit within days. Speculation was he could not go on without his love of his lifetime. It left me teary eyed yet happy that it showed us in a positive light. That being Gay we are not just a bunch of Man whores or Bimbo's but can be loving devoted partners.

Made me think of my present state of affairs...Single, soon to be 49 in the year 2012, over the hill by Gay standards but self questioning - Am I lonely? I tell myself if you have to ask yourself you probably aren't. I mean I have my 2 dogs that need me and 2 cats(although rather independent still need me to feed and see to their litter needs).

Being my own contradiction is a daunting task! One month I'll be joining a Gay dating website and as soon as I get a few "Winks","Grrr's" or "Woofs" as they call them, I panic and ask myself "What the hell are you doing? Haven't your last relationships that were supposed to last a lifetime hurtful enough?" At least I am not leading anybody on but myself. Maybe psychologically speaking I'm just testing the waters; doing a sort of personal evaluation/rating of myself at this point in time of my life. Now to add the point in fact that once you reach a certain age you slowly get stuck in your ways. Having a partner to share life with would mean getting used to different challenges, presumably mostly good, but - challenges none the less.

So where does this leave me...

Still gonna be 49, still single, only as old as I feel and busy enough not to feel the urge to partner-up anytime soon, or so I have myself convinced at this moment in time.

Let the Hetero world with their ageless males lay claim to endless scores of female affection. I've got my babies(Pets), my memories of Lovers long gone and my knitting...

Knit one, pearl two, Knit one pearl two, Knit one, pearl two...

A lonely old man, I think not...Frustrated, maybe, NOT!

(Or at least that is what my ego claims)

Purple Triangle Blocks

The Art of fitting in or Not...



I'm old enough to remember wooden educational blocks we were given as kids. Similar to their colorful counter part/building blocks except these had a higher mission. Their mission; to test your IQ of sorts. Squares, triangles and circles that had to be put or hammered into their matching oracles. 
When my son was born it was a tricolored hexagonal plastic sphere, blue, red and yellow with colorful shapes that again had to be put into their appropriate holes. Look at me here passing the fitting in torch of sorts. 
Everywhere I look it seems it's always about fitting in or not...

I was(am) the purple triangular block that was supposed to go into the triangular opening but my life was more like putting that block through the round hole where it would get stuck or the square one whereas it would slip through not feeling right. Lucky for me there was no star shape...

Bottom line; I don't feel till this day(49 years of life in 2012) that I fit in a particular category with anything or anybody.
Recently I filled out a profile on yet another Gay oriented dating/chat web site - Why, because I don't know. Maybe I do but...? Just maybe I don't! Lets just sum it up to the need for inclusion.

Again the categories, Top, Bottom Versatile, Masc. Fem. Daddy, Otter, Bear, Polar bear, Boy toy, Twink... We all have our preferences to a certain degree but when do they become such ugly innuendo's like "Fetish"? Seems dirty but not the sexy dirty because here we go again with categorizing!

What if like the song by I believe it was Whitney Houston "I'm every woman" - I'm a little bit of this but more of that but still versatile in this; sort of like a recipe without the measuring instruments...Would you get me? Then again would I get me?(Redundant) Ya, I would!

There was a children's Christmas cartoon when I was a kid and it was about misfit toys that would end up on an island of misfits where Rudolph the red nosed reindeer soon ended up too after alot of bullying from his fellow reindeer. I actually connected somewhat with them. At first I was filled with sadness for them but in my mind turned it around to them being happy together in their world. Then I realized it was again a category in itself...

Where do you go when you feel like a misfit, how did this come about. I've often joked that I am waiting for the mother ship to take me home to my planet of like aliens. There we are, but aren't; we don't even consider fitting in or not, we just is!

I'm so lonely in this business they call a life, it would be a good time to go home.

Can't say I didn't give it a try - and don't tell me I didn't try hard enough!

I'm done.  

Not sure what came first, me the loner or me becoming a loner because I'm not what I feel they want me to be. Maybe because of this grouping thing I subconsciously feel like I am limiting myself somewhat. Stay tuned.

Queer History Month Canada - YES!

Finally in the talks, Queer History Month!

-May-

Today I got wind that there was to be talk of a Queer history month just like the well known, Black History month. The meeting took place today in the city of Toronto's Town Hall but the live stream was constantly cutting so I could only get bits and pieces but it  still was interesting and exciting.
Looks like it will be the Month of May this year 2012.

Like many others I have been wondering why this was not thought of or done sooner.

Our Queer history is still being mapped out as we speak; it is still quite young but it should be mapped out to preserve what was established and help future generations in keeping it up.

Possibly modern day Bullying and sadly the increase in teenage suicides might have pushed the absolute need for this forward.

We need to map as far back as we can go telling our stories of who what where and when things happened and the results of it. I blogged on their page with my findings but 3 days later I saw that I was the only one that offered input as they requested...  

For myself I feel like my head is everywhere as to how our present state of affairs has been established. It should be something that will be taught in the school curriculum from a very young age onwards regardless of religious views. My biggest information source about our past is a book I found published in New York by Henry Holt & Co.1998 - Completely Queer "The Gay and Lesbian Encyclopedia" by Steve Hogan and Lee Hudson

Children don't automatically have a problem seeing two men or two women  kiss, hold hands or even get married until their parents tell them they themselves feel it is wrong. In that same thought Queerness and or Queer awareness should not/cannot be seen as wrong. Unlike Black history month and others, religion will be our biggest obstacle.

I've always said it and I will continue saying it, educate to eliminate the fear of the unknown.
 Fear of the unknown can entice hate.

Being a divorced father(From a Hetero marriage) and having my young son visit while my new long term (Gay)partner was present I saw no problem that he should see us occasionally kiss. He(my son) would see it as a natural occurrence of Love; A secondary family unit for him. 

Change will come we just have to stand our ground!

Gay Royalty

A long way from high school Proms with their favorite King or Queen:
Drag Queens, Drag Kings

Male/Female impersonators no longer just for the Gay night circuit crowd!

Who doesn't like a little camp? I know I know, it's a take it or leave it kind of comedy. Personally I love it! I think they are hilarious. I've never actually seen Drag Kings(Girls) but have heard of great reviews and competitions. My best Lesbian friend pulled off a "Brad Pitt" look alike for Halloween this past year. It was really good!


The most famous Drag Queen from yester-years here in Quebec and France was "Guilda" (He came very close to resembling Maryline Monroe). There is also the American Icon Divine!(Harris Glenn Milstead) Best known for staring in films by his friend John Waters and his last performance "Hairspray1988"(Before John Travolta's version). Most nowadays know of  RuPaul(Blond below with his alter ego as a man), the African American model whom is over 6 feet tall and whom used to have his own line of makeup called M.A.C.  Truly a sight to see! He/She even has his own drag academy of sorts where competitions are held. I've seen a few episodes on the Gay cable network and found it Bitchingly hilarious! "Rupaul's Drag Race". This past year(2011) I saw the Thompson Twins on stage. One brother did female impersonations while the other did famous male musicians, Elton John, Stevie Wonder and Andrea Bottelli! The brother that happened to be Gay did the most amazing Cher impersonations, the costume was way over the top(almost nude with black duct tape in a V from his crotch and over his shoulders prancing around in knee high stiletto booted heals, he even had a fake tattoo on his butt like hers! He pulled off an excellent Barbara Streisand, and Bette Midler too. Years ago in Acapulco with my then Boyfriend I got to see a drag show of famous American female artists and these guys were amazingly beautiful in their costumes, the best one of all was Ertha Kitt in a slick shiny black latex cat costume and whip.


Here in Montreal we have our own quite famous "Mado Lamotte". A far cry from trying to be beautiful, he calls himself a clown for adults. He's done shows in France and at our famous Casino and has his own Cabaret here in the village. A Cabaret that is hard to miss as a larger than life 3D(resin) version of himself with his iconic huge diamond ring lay above the outdoor entrance. Many of the "In" bars have a Drag Queen at the entrance to greet you or for the cover charge if there is one. The Bear bars don't go for these nor do the leather fetish scenes. In Toronto there is a famous restaurant(Zelda's I believe)who has a Drag Queen as a waitress. None of these come close to Rupaul's Super-model status. As for impersonators we have those too. Some of  the most famous, Jimmy Moore => Lady Gaga, Madona, Michael Jackson, Celine Dion While Cantelli is known to do =>Tina Turner and more.

Either way you look at it they are entertaining and they respectfully put alot of work into their craft. Entertaining, a good laugh!
That's me in the sleek red fishtail gown!
No just kidding, a scene from Rupaul's Pandora's box Dolls.

And I will always Love you

Although I didn't follow Whitney Houston's career, I was forever enchanted by the film
 she co-started in with Kevin Costner "The Body Guard" 1992 and it's theme song.

Her untimely death this past week stirred bittersweet memories in my heart...

The films timing in 92 couldn't have been more appropriate for the closing of another important chapter in my life.
Breaking up is hard to do but honestly, I believed I would loose my mind.
This song I had dedicated to my first True (Gay)Love. A very special person. 

They say you never forget your first; I concur, you never ever do!
He will always have his special place in my heart.

If I should stay I would only be in your way

So I'll go But I know

I'll think of you every step of the way

I will always love you

you, you, my darling you
Bitter sweet memories

That is all I'm taking with me

So Goodbye, please don't cry

We both know I'm not what you

you need
I will always love you

I hope life treats you kind

And I hope you have all you dreamed of

and I wish to you joy & happiness

But above all this I wish you love

I will always love you
you darling I love you

Oh I will always love you

This song couldn't be truer to life to expressing my sentiments at the end of our relationship.
The man was clearly out of my league and you have to know when to let go.
Like an eagle he soars to new heights regularly,

living his dreams and above all  in Love.

You will always be the special one, I will always love you.

Whitney thank you for your voice and your singing of this song, R.I.P.

Broke Back Mountain10 years already!

"No one's gonna love you like me"

Already ten  years and no talk of a sequal. Not sure if it's in respect to Heath Ledgers' memory. Then againt in retrospect how could a sequal do justice to this incredible story? Take up where they left off? Twist the ending into a dream state or misunderstanding.

Reading the reviews it has gotten, it's strange that they have not considered it. If I read correctly it hit the $100,000,000. mark and is still rising.

Hollywood has cast Gays and Lesbians in films before with a sometimes comical or mocking tone(what the public expects of whom and what they think we are). Alot of the time we are in the background of the story; but as far as I know never as the central charachters to a Gay male Love story. (I might be misinformed.)

A truly heart wrenching story! Had been putting off seeing it till it came out on video and lucky I did! I watched it alone at home and went through an entire box of facial tissues. The finaly when Heath called Anne and learnt of Jakes fate, I let out a wail of Nooooo! Till this day my eyes well up with tears just thinking about it. I really cannot deal with violence and I guess I had my heart set on a happy ending, not this tragidy so close to possible reality.(Actually a simularly tragic murder happened to a Gay teenage boy years ago in Alberta I believe)

I will have to look up the authors name and see if she has written any other Gay oriented material. Being so satutrated with daily Hetero stories it is very refreshing to see my own world in print or DVD.

Hats off to the original story's writter and the producer for doing such an excellent job. The 3 prime actors Jake(My sweetheart), Heath(R.I.P.) and Anne were incredibly true in their portrayal of their charachters.

A must see for most. I am plannning to see it again and would love to have my own copy. A keepsake timeless love story.

Say it, Go ahead, Say it...

Homo,Queer, Faggot, Queen, Flame,Tapette, Twinkies, Pedo, Lesbo, Dyke, Butch, Lipstick Lesbian....


Only a few names we've been called but for many of us they don't hurt anymore. They did back in the day we barely knew what they meant. "Faggot" was the one that would be my name for most of my school life. It was as if only the teachers seemed to remember my name. In the beginning all I understood was that it meant they didn't like me and I didn't know why. Looked up Faggot in the dictionary only to find that it was a cigarette!? Or a bundle of twiggs. Somehow later I realized they meant that they presumed I was Gay. Where did they learn this word? It wasn't part of our spelling Bs or our readers. Similar to "Natural selection", I was part of "Natural rejection"!? It's learned from parents, that's where; clueless parents as to the long term damage it might do to some young psychologies. But nowadays we use some of those names to our advantage; Queer, now very commonly used without any bad stigmas. I even heard a review called playfully "Lesbo-Monde".(Lesbian World). Homosexual is now a word I embrace, it is who I am and I am proud. It has lost it's "you are a sicko" label momentum over time. Another take on Lesbianism is the L word(Televised series) although I am not familiar with too many derogatory comments made to my Lesbian sisters of the community I'm sure they have had more than their share!

It must be mentioned that public figures using "Twitter" should re-read their foul comments before pushing send. There are so many derogatory comments being spewed out lately without thinking and when our community(GLBT) cries foul we're told we are being babies, exaggerating and that we should get over ourselves! With that in mind I believe it would be appropriate to know how these "Bigots" would feel if I called them "Breeders", "Bread Baby making machines",certain straight Men using their "dumb sticks" to think with. And still other names that concern different nationalities(Often called ethnics). Have you ever seen a GLBT in any "arranged marriage"- I think not but some still think we are the freaks of society...

Going still lower, below the belt possibly; Men in dresses in our community are Drag Queens(For comedy), Trans Genders(A start to a new identity or life) but when Heterosexuals put on the gowns, we call them Clergy or Cross dressers.

Recently on a Gay Blog I was treated by Homophobes to being called an "F"'ing Faggot and other stuff I rather not repeat. There is a major part of the "Standard" Hetero world that is oblivious to this and sometimes wonder why we are always up in arms. Like I said earlier it's like water on a duck's back with me now but it does bring back the painful memories. Been  told by close friends not to bother with them or the site in question...So what just walk away or turn the other cheek? Let them condescend those that won't talk back, replying is giving them power? No, sorry, won't happen! At this point in my life I'm starting to feel like a Gay-Bully going after the Homophobe-Bullies. Maybe I'm waisting my time, but I sure feel good that I did something instead of sitting back. I contact these haters personally on their pages and try to keep it on the level just above theirs so that they can possibly understand what I'm saying. Hopefully explaining away their naive ideas on us.

This is just this "Faggots" Opinion.

Embracing who I am.

Born Gay and my path to embracing it.

I've been lucky enough if I can call it that to have had emersion in two very different yet paralell worlds, Hetero and Homo. Being born Gay and being misguided for years I took the road most traveled.

Married my high school sweetheart(Female Best friend) two years after graduating from high school hell. She became my friend in the last two years of school. Graduating was the end of a school era of constant torture; First grade through the 11th grade I was berated daily, humiliated constantly often beaten up after school, always felt so hated and alone. The information we have available everywhere today was not there in my day. I couldn't talk to anyone about how I felt and just hoped it was a passing phase and would go away.

She(my spouse) didn't understand how I could be Gay as she said I satisfied her in bed; but she never asked me if I was content with our sex life. Obviously I wasn't, I had a good imagination to get me through but unfortunately for me she had a good sexual appetite. There was no doubt that I loved the woman whom I was convinced was my Best friend, but not the female that was my partner in the boudoir. I did everything to satisfy her and hopefully along the way convince myself that I would eventually like it... I came out to her when our son turned three and she told me I ruined her life. She was twenty five and I twenty four. Within 24 hours of telling my then best (Hetero male) friend, he dropped me like a hot potato. It wasn't long until I found out my wife and parents were discussing my best interests - for me to seek psychological help. I refused to be subjected to what I called brainwashing or forced conversion. The divorce was brutal; she would have her revenge.

You know who or what you are deep inside but people try to put the triangular peg in the square hole. With enough hammering it will go in but it makes it far from being right.

At the age of 7 or 8 years old I saw a Gay character on TV and asked my parents what they would do if I was like him. They responded that they would put me in the army and make a man of me. I had  known whom I was since forever already and understood I had to shut up and not express myself too freely. My mother who was in charge of our family of 3 kids - 2 girls and me the oldest, told me one day that she was going to put me in Hockey. I had a melt down; not only did I loath sports as I was not good at any, I hated Hockey. Thought I was lucky to escape from that until the day I was told that Sat. mornings I would be taking Judo classes to learn how to defend myself and  toughen me up.That new torture lasted over 2 years.

My obsession with men started at a very young age. The first was my 6th grade teacher with his 70's moustache. All he had to do was touch me on the shoulder and all the butterflies of the universe were fluttering in my stomach! I never forgot my end of school year hug, I wouldn't let him go. In Highschool there was another that I wanted to be with so badly. A newspaper customer on my delivery route "Tom Selic - Magnum PI". He came to the door to pay me for the delivery of his newspaper one morning, he was wearing just a towel. The butterflies in my stomach were Elephants  doing summersaults! He saw me staring, I was so hoping he would invite me in or accidently drop his towel. I returned 10 minutes later shaking like a leaf trying to find a reason to see him again - when he answered I mumbled are you a famous baseball player? Can I get your autograph? He said no and shut the door...I went back a 3rd time to say maybe I forgot my hat in his entrance but his wife answered, I was totally crushed.(They cancelled my delivery the next week). I didn't need more proof from Steve, the 6 million dollar man or Michael and his talking car "Kitt". I even hoped one of my gym instructors in highschool would keep me after school in detention just so I could be alone with him.

When I hear of the bullying today and the young suicides my eyes well up with tears. How close, how many times did I want to end my own nightmare. There are two important differences in our generations; then, there was no Internet or Cyber Bullying as it is called. But at the same time I didn't have all the information that is available today letting us know we are just as normal as the next person. Point being in our all boy sex ed. classes we had a visit from two Catholic Nuns that told us things like if we would give a blow job that we would get throat Cancer. The class would roar and throw insults my way as everyone watched me turn red, the teacher in charge would say "calm down boys". It was different times but very similar pain.

I guess the point I'm trying to make to young GLBTs family and friends is to hang in there it will get better! We need to get better information and support out there in the school system. Parents need to embrace what their child was born as and help them with understanding and support.

Gay Rights & Gay Marriage

Where in the world is Waldo? He's on his Honeymoon with Wilfred of coarse!

           Besides religious leaders whom are stuck in their brainwashed ways; why are people so up in arms with us wanting what they already have? It's making me crazy! Equal rights just like equal opportunity why the hell not? Listening to the Naysayers I would say it seems to be fear driven. The unknown is scary. But if you get properly informed, isn't it less scary? Haven't there been enough mistakes in human history for us to stop making them? There was the plight of the African Americans,  there was women's rights and freedoms & now naturally it's the GLBT's.
            We are a long way from being called not normal...and that offensive word should be stricken from the dictionary and possibly replaced with standard. Being born Queer is no longer considered a mental illness. Heteros work, we work, Heteros have family's, well so do we, some have kids, we are just as nurturing parents as anyone if not more so as we know the public eye is on us scrutinizing everything so we may sometimes feel like we have to do more for our kids(It's been documented). Some believe in the institution of marriage others don't, so be it. Let "God" whomever he or she is be the ultimate judge and jury not the F'ing Pope, his worshipers and the others! Get with the program people, it wasn't just man's Greed that started wars it was also man's RELIGION! I'm not saying GLBT's are at war but we have to fight to make things right weather people are tired of hearing about it or not. It has been years in coming.

Pink money:
                    Learned this term a few years back and it is so appropriate! The money a Gay citizen earns, the taxes they pay, where and on what they spend their money, including the Gay tourists that are attracted here and spend their money here is Pink(Gay)Money for argument's sake. See the point here? You spend your money and pay taxes for services but you are not allowed to have the same benefits as the Heteros!
 Natural evolution....
                            I like this definition I heard recently that Homosexuality is natures response to overpopulation. It can be taken in many ways but I prefer to take it lightheartedly and say yep, they are right, there is noway in hell Gays or Lesbians will figure out how to have kids limiting the human production chain....Really, natural evolution? Why bother looking for a pleasing so called scientific title to please the masses. It is a gene period. It's like fixing something that isn't broken...

I often look back at Black history and their struggle for justice and respectfully now there is Martin Luther King day in the states. One day hopefully there will be a National Canadian Gay day honouring all those whom fought their way for us through our history. There are so many people before me that helped pave this "Yellow Brick"road for me and my fellow Gay brothers and Lesbian sisters. More research has to be done by myself on the subject. I would love to work on a project of education for school children that feel different and make them feel that they are OK. The Bullying is harsh and now high tech and it can change how you see the world but it will get better. Not because some politicians feel they did some good making an - "It gets better campaign" - when they have no clue of the gravity of the situation. But because we, the older Gay community have been through somewhat the same thing and managed to get ahead. We have to stick together and believe in ourselves.

To quote "Harvey Milk" 1938-1978

"You gotta give 'em hope!"

My Pretty Gay Boy

             I'm in Love! In Love with a face, a face I don't know.
A face appearing on a page; but what a pretty face!

A Boy; but not just any Boy, a real handsome masculine Boy.

In my mind's eye he is Perfection

 The perfect Lover, Partner, Friend and future Husband.

But he's just a face, a face I don't know

A fantasy character from my perfect Gay fairytale I must write.

My heart races as I look in your face, so much so that I'm loosing pace. 

Seeing you my heart rejoices, that first Embrace, that Hug of Huggs, that first Kiss!

my Fantasy, our Passion my Bliss.

Found you on a "Facebook" page.

 but your age I would wage

would up the stage

you see

there is no We

as love of an unknown face

will be my disgrace.

Angry with Gay Haters...

What to say that has not already been said...

 WHY?

Why is there so much time being waisted in the world over HATE and today's subject GLBT haters.

I want to tell them Bible thumping, Ignorant Biggots, and the rest of the Religious leaders against our persons to get real! Get yourselves a life, Live and Let Live. Where is the LOVE?

Do you remember the Witch burnings way back when in history? Innocent highly intelligent people burned at the stake because they were capable of making bread rise with yeast amongst other things. What do we say to that; Oops, we were wrong. A little late no? Isn't the GLBT movement suffering from similar attacks? Aren't we being persecuted for whom we are? It ain't that bad you might say...I disagree! View the public comments made on Gay Blogging boards. Still think it's not that bad?

Now that my rant has some momentum; Bullying of young GLBTs in schools. Probably been going on since the beginning of time but the question is will it go on till the end of time? No, it cannot! It is enough. I know what it is as I suffered through the Bullying for 11 years of public schooling; now it is very different, Bullying on the Net, Texts on hand held devices etc. In my day we had the hate and Bullying but it ended when we were safe at home behind a closed door.

It's almost as if we are aliens that were born on the wrong planet! The Pope says we are a threat to humanity; the only threat I can see is the hatred he is enticing in his comments creating acts of violence verbal and otherwise.

We keep saying it gets better. We have to make it better!

Gay Superheroes is what we need. Not the ones with the big bulges in their pants or perfect costumes(Wonder woman); Superheroes that will stand up and talk, walk the walk. Go to schools and show that GBLT is OK.

Once we have that under control the next step would be introducing Gay history in the school curriculum. Queerness has been around since the beginning of time. Animals have even showed it occurs amongst them too.

Lets face it, We are Queer, We are here, Get used to it!

We ain't going anywhere!

Silly nitey night shit...

Montreal  January 2012 

It's cold, I'm bold but got no hold on any gold. I was told the mold could be two fold.

Are you sold?

Some shit this middle-aged "Single" (bored) Gay Bear type guy would Bitch about:

               Went to get groceries again today and remembered what I forgot to put on my shopping list, Mandarin orange segments in a light syrup, sliced raw almonds and the fact that I hate the world so I should stay home so to speak... People in general "Urke" me(If that is at all a word - it sure speaks sentiments to me!). It must be my Gay genes cause my other ones are Blue Levi's. I dunno, I just seem to be very judgemental and find myself constantly making makeovers on people. I shouldn't be one to talk, I don't think I'm the catch my friends tell me I could be. And dress code well it goes with the limited budget I live with. Anywho, where was I...Oh ya being Judgementaly Bitchy on this cold Friday.

              What is it with this latest generation that all of a sudden fur is OK again? One in 3 people whose path inadvertently crossed mine almost tripping me(because they were texting) is wearing fur of some sort! Maybe they texted me and I didn't get it. But then again I don't get much these days. Read into that one what you want. I wanna go up to them and say Duh, besides flashing the fact that you paid a ridiculous price for a Canada Goose jacket with real FUR, you have blood on your hands! Does this make me look "PWETTY?" Look guys-gals it looked good on the wolf that was happy go lucky until he saw the butchers' knife! No you look like a big old looser in those. We are worrying about the environment for your generation and you encourage murder of these wolves and foxes because you are convinced you will be warmer in our Canadian winters. 1st what became of the animals body?(Waisted) 2nd Did you know that the fur collar like tinsel on a Christmas tree does nothing to keep you warm? It's the lining. No don't bitch that I am Vegetarian and am imposing my values on you because I said nothing about the Goose down inside. Still sad but the Goose was hopefully eaten and not wasted. See, I'm not going all PETA on you!

                 Now that I got you to hate me, let me tell you about "OLD PEOPLE". Yes, you might call me old and outdated but I've been around and had my hayday! What is it with Older people needing to stay in the middle of isles with their carts and even leave them while they go talk to the butcher. Oh ya, just move the cart aside right? Look out even with their bad eyesight they will throw you daggers!

                 How about escalator etiquette Hmmm? Stand on the right side if you will ride it up or down without walking and the left, like driving for passing. We are Canadian we are not in England where it is OK to drive on the wrong side of the road. Same goes for the stairs. And why is it that the older you get(Not me yet) you seem to complain that the buses are late or the cashier is too slow. You are retired and have nothing better to do most of the time unless this is a new hobby. Yet when they are at the exchange counter or at a bank teller they act as if they are at a therapy session and have to talk about everything that has nothing to do with anything. Then why do they always find a way to butt into the front of a lineup waiting for a bus? We have seats designated to the white haired crowd with their reduced rate passes at the front of the buses!

                 Speaking of Bus etiquette, ever notice that the younger crowd or the ones under 25 with reduced rate passes manage to take up all the seats? You you pay full rate but must stand because they are tired from sitting on a chair at a desk in school all day. Or the fact that there are fare hikes almost yearly for public transit yet they removed about 10-12 seats in the subway cars so more people could get in standing. Same with the buses, the more people they squeeze in the happier they are but don't try to get off at your stop...you will be given the look the Devil gave the firemen. WTF.

            Aviation hats, ever see those? Oh how I love to hate them figuring if I stare long enough they will catch fire and disintegrate before I go blind. Years ago I remember seeing a male model wearing one for a photo shoot with an open shirt or maybe no shirt but he had a 6 pak of Abs and had a pouty look looking at the camera. Next thing you know every girlfriend is buying it for her boyfriend for Christmas - and he is supposedly supposed to look so cute. Two words, Elmer Fudd! "Gonna get me  that Wabbit!" No, I won't mention the rabbit fur lining some have.

OK, some will say I'm loosing it while others will answer I never had it to loose it.
 I did say I should have stayed home.

Thanks for listening to me rant.

Alan

Luv U all anyways, I probably should get laid and then I will see the world in Kaleidoscope of colors.