Single Gay Bear

G(r)ay'ing Old...er still! 50 looking me up the butt!

My Bi-Annual self analysis. Is there a doctor in the house? Please!

            I always was a loner. Ever since I can remember I liked being alone. Now once again the question bubbles to the surface; should I let myself have another go at love? Torture myself  is more the right term, torture myself with the what if's, what if Mr Right showed up right now, would I let him into my world, my life?(Saying that as if it's a special privelege LOL). A friend recently said about herself(Being single late in life) that she strongly believed she used to fall in love with love; the newness, thrill and excitement, then poof, she was bored and would move on. A trail of broken hearts she would leave trailing behind her. The Queen of broken hearts is what her friends that were settling down would call her.
            Granted there is a certain high when beginning a new relationship so I see the addictive possibility. It wasn't like that for me, when I fell in love it was for the long haul! The three times I got my heart broken were for 3 totally different reasons(No pattern except bad choices). And due to confusion on my part I regretably did  have to break two hearts I loved.(Two that I know of). The first my now Ex wife and the other a man, physically pleasing to the eye but a challenge to my mind; he wasn't "Out" which was hard to deal with since I was now "Out and Proud" not ever going back into that closet. That and the fact that my previous lover convinced me to give him another chance eventually let me go again.
             It being fall/winter, cuddling season, I believe it's awakening old feelings, those romantic cozy times with someone special. Spring when I was still young and single it was the total opposite...I would be boy crazy, sorta like Mr right now and in the morning(If he was lucky enough to sleep over) Coffee and possible tel. exchange. Sorta the male bimbo I so loathed. Nowadays the view from the top of the hill(Way over by Gay standards) is questionable; finish my life alone like I always liked it, keep that door well shut not letting a smidgen of a draft through or open it and see what happens. I've said it before, Maybe I have become complicated, sorta stuck in my ways. I sure can come up with a ton of excuses for nay or yay; but at the same i realize they are just that, excuses.
             Looking back my three Gay relationships were a challenge each in different ways. Like most, I always strived to achieve what I would see as the picture perfect relationship. The couple/family thing except no new kids as I already had one. A partnership to face and challenge the world together.
             Karma(She is a bitch) had decided no. If I believe in her I'm probably paying for getting married knowing I was Gay confused. My first Gay love, not totally out therefore complicated - not offering the public couple thing I so wanted, the second, was a one way love affair and the third, had his own psychological demons to deal with.
             Now having re-voiced my inner memories I just may have answered my own question. The deal breaker might be as obvious as fear of rejection.(Another excuse. I warned you I had plenty). Some say if it's meant to be, it will happen. Ya but I have to come out of my cave for that possible chance to happen! Aggrrrr, my own Drama is killing me! There I've yoyo'ed myself into deciding there is no time for a significant other(Best excuse to date). The imaginary husband will just have to do, that and my right hand assistant, Mrs Mary Palmer.

But admittably so, I am a little lonely. Friends are great but a hot hairy hubby would do this body good :)

Then again they say that about Vegetable soup don't they...

Daddys!!! 

                                       
Both photos borrowed from the internet - Thank you internet, fantasy almost fullfilled.

                               

Cutie Patootie!!!                                          

These babes would look good in my vegetable soup, Hmmmm.

Silly little(Ok not so little)dreamer!

Thanks for listening Doc.

Crazy Puberty moments...Mr.Mr.

        A blogger I was following recently wrote a story that had me chuckling and stirred some old memories of  my own puberty and the crazy thoughts that would arise looking for appeasement...

His name was Mr. Mr. and to say he was a God would not have done him justice.

          A silly 12 or 13 year old(or younger) like most boys my age dealing with puberty and my raging hormones or testosterone always thinking I would go mad. Guys you know what I mean when I say... keeping my buddy(Mr Happy) down was a full time job. But unlike most boys it was older men that lit my torch.
          I was the newspaper delivery boy, the kid you would see in the old movies throwing the paper onto front porches. Deliveries were made in the wee hours of the morning and fees collected from the customers one evening a week. A boring job but it gave me an income for the movies, Pin-Ball and pocket change.
         Nothing special ever happened, same old same old every week until the evening I was collecting and Mr Mr answered the door. Being a new customer on my route I therefore had never met him before. The door opened I gasped and thought I was gonna die! Here 2 feet from me, in my face, the man of my dreams. A manly man, 6 feet tall, football player physique, short black curly hair, a thick mat of chest hair with a matching(Tom Selick) 70's mustache wearing nothing but a white terry bath towel around his waist. My ideal wet dream! I stuttered and muttered "Gazette"(The paper I was collecting for). He said something I presume to the effect of, how much do I owe you or what not and I started babbling and shaking not sure what the question was. Red faced, my head was getting hot and my forehead was already wet with perspiration. He asked if I was OK and I think I answered "ya". I could not stop staring at his chest and the towel I wished would magically drop! As he walked away to get his wallet, I watched, my heart racing like a horse running wild! I stared in awe watching those strong hairy calves, the tease of leg below the hem of the towel and the curve of his perfect butt outlined in that damp towel. Before I could blink, he was back and saw my lusty stare on his towel. He played it cool, paid me and saying thank you started to close the door. My mind raced forward, I wanted to hear him say come in. Let me touch him if even accidentally, pull off the towel and see his manliness in it's entirety. I wanted to do everything nasty with him and to him. No one needed to know our little secret. Fumble and drop the money so that you have to bend down in front of him I told myself.
            My fantasy took flight... I pushed him backwards grabbing the towel, he backed up and fell onto the bed. I jumped up and straddled his mid section pinning his arms down on either side of his head. Slowly I kissed his neck, working my way down his chest stopping only momentarily to suckle on his right nipple. He let out a moan of pleasure as I worked my way down his abdomen slowing again above his groin. My right hand took hold of his rock hard penis, my tongue gliding under it's head, my lips closing onto it in a wet kiss. He let out a pleading groan of pleasure, my vision blurred; my fantasy, my first time with the man of my dreams just behind this closing door. Before he had the chance to close it completely I said shakily, "excuse me sir, euh, are you a famous football or baseball player?" Another fantasy another time. He shook his head creasing his forehead and said no. Thinking faster still, wanting to keep him here in front of me, still hoping he would decide to invite me in I blurted out "cause if you were I would love to have your autograph." He smiled and this time shut the door. Dizzy, I walked down the stairs to the pavement, realizing my own penis was throbbing in pain longing to be soothed by his big masculine hand, his mouth, that mustache! Sexual thoughts screaming out of control in my head, I ran back up to his door. I had to see him again and this time touch him, tell him to have his way with me. Shaking I rang the doorbell, I started shivering, my lust filled thoughts blocking any common sense, the door was opening slowly, the voice that questioned, "yes?" was not the right voice, it wasn't his voice! Once the door fully opened, standing there in front of me was none other than a woman! My mind exploded ...Aaarrrrrr I was hurt disappointed and freaked out all in the same moment. My sensuality, passion and lust all squished in a flash, like stepping on an unsuspecting bug. She had no place in my fantasy!  She ruined everything. Was he with her? My fantasy man was with a woman, this woman! Say something you idiot I thought! "Euh is Mr Mr busy?" Trying to see past her into the house she replied "Yes, why?" Think fast, think fast, "euh, I wanted to make sure he was satisfied with my paper delivery." "Yes, yes everything is fine, thank you." The door again closed, I had a sinking feeling it was for the last time. I ran down the stairs sure I was gonna hurl, my stomach was full of knots and hurting bad! I wanted to cry, damn her. She ruined what could have, would have been my bliss, my perfect first time.
          Early the next morning the news paper Head Office sent me a cancellation notice. She was on to me! Well, needless to say his body image was permanently etched into my brain and got me through a period I thought I would go absolutely insane! Puberty, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

 Thank You Mr. Mr. wherever you are.