G(r)ay'ing Old...er still! 50 looking me up the butt!
My Bi-Annual self analysis. Is there a doctor in the house? Please!
I always was a loner. Ever since I can remember I liked being alone. Now once again the question bubbles to the surface; should I let myself have another go at love? Torture myself is more the right term, torture myself with the what if's, what if Mr Right showed up right now, would I let him into my world, my life?(Saying that as if it's a special privelege LOL). A friend recently said about herself(Being single late in life) that she strongly believed she used to fall in love with love; the newness, thrill and excitement, then poof, she was bored and would move on. A trail of broken hearts she would leave trailing behind her. The Queen of broken hearts is what her friends that were settling down would call her.
Granted there is a certain high when beginning a new relationship so I see the addictive possibility. It wasn't like that for me, when I fell in love it was for the long haul! The three times I got my heart broken were for 3 totally different reasons(No pattern except bad choices). And due to confusion on my part I regretably did have to break two hearts I loved.(Two that I know of). The first my now Ex wife and the other a man, physically pleasing to the eye but a challenge to my mind; he wasn't "Out" which was hard to deal with since I was now "Out and Proud" not ever going back into that closet. That and the fact that my previous lover convinced me to give him another chance eventually let me go again.
It being fall/winter, cuddling season, I believe it's awakening old feelings, those romantic cozy times with someone special. Spring when I was still young and single it was the total opposite...I would be boy crazy, sorta like Mr right now and in the morning(If he was lucky enough to sleep over) Coffee and possible tel. exchange. Sorta the male bimbo I so loathed. Nowadays the view from the top of the hill(Way over by Gay standards) is questionable; finish my life alone like I always liked it, keep that door well shut not letting a smidgen of a draft through or open it and see what happens. I've said it before, Maybe I have become complicated, sorta stuck in my ways. I sure can come up with a ton of excuses for nay or yay; but at the same i realize they are just that, excuses.
Looking back my three Gay relationships were a challenge each in different ways. Like most, I always strived to achieve what I would see as the picture perfect relationship. The couple/family thing except no new kids as I already had one. A partnership to face and challenge the world together.
Karma(She is a bitch) had decided no. If I believe in her I'm probably paying for getting married knowing I was Gay confused. My first Gay love, not totally out therefore complicated - not offering the public couple thing I so wanted, the second, was a one way love affair and the third, had his own psychological demons to deal with.
Now having re-voiced my inner memories I just may have answered my own question. The deal breaker might be as obvious as fear of rejection.(Another excuse. I warned you I had plenty). Some say if it's meant to be, it will happen. Ya but I have to come out of my cave for that possible chance to happen! Aggrrrr, my own Drama is killing me! There I've yoyo'ed myself into deciding there is no time for a significant other(Best excuse to date). The imaginary husband will just have to do, that and my right hand assistant, Mrs Mary Palmer.
But admittably so, I am a little lonely. Friends are great but a hot hairy hubby would do this body good :)
Then again they say that about Vegetable soup don't they...
Daddys!!! 
Both photos borrowed from the internet - Thank you internet, fantasy almost fullfilled.
Cutie Patootie!!!
These babes would look good in my vegetable soup, Hmmmm.
Silly little(Ok not so little)dreamer!
Thanks for listening Doc.
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