Born Gay and my path to embracing it.
I've been lucky enough if I can call it that to have had emersion in two very different yet paralell worlds, Hetero and Homo. Being born Gay and being misguided for years I took the road most traveled.
Married my high school sweetheart(Female Best friend) two years after graduating from high school hell. She became my friend in the last two years of school. Graduating was the end of a school era of constant torture; First grade through the 11th grade I was berated daily, humiliated constantly often beaten up after school, always felt so hated and alone. The information we have available everywhere today was not there in my day. I couldn't talk to anyone about how I felt and just hoped it was a passing phase and would go away.
She(my spouse) didn't understand how I could be Gay as she said I satisfied her in bed; but she never asked me if I was content with our sex life. Obviously I wasn't, I had a good imagination to get me through but unfortunately for me she had a good sexual appetite. There was no doubt that I loved the woman whom I was convinced was my Best friend, but not the female that was my partner in the boudoir. I did everything to satisfy her and hopefully along the way convince myself that I would eventually like it... I came out to her when our son turned three and she told me I ruined her life. She was twenty five and I twenty four. Within 24 hours of telling my then best (Hetero male) friend, he dropped me like a hot potato. It wasn't long until I found out my wife and parents were discussing my best interests - for me to seek psychological help. I refused to be subjected to what I called brainwashing or forced conversion. The divorce was brutal; she would have her revenge.
You know who or what you are deep inside but people try to put the triangular peg in the square hole. With enough hammering it will go in but it makes it far from being right.
At the age of 7 or 8 years old I saw a Gay character on TV and asked my parents what they would do if I was like him. They responded that they would put me in the army and make a man of me. I had known whom I was since forever already and understood I had to shut up and not express myself too freely. My mother who was in charge of our family of 3 kids - 2 girls and me the oldest, told me one day that she was going to put me in Hockey. I had a melt down; not only did I loath sports as I was not good at any, I hated Hockey. Thought I was lucky to escape from that until the day I was told that Sat. mornings I would be taking Judo classes to learn how to defend myself and toughen me up.That new torture lasted over 2 years.
My obsession with men started at a very young age. The first was my 6th grade teacher with his 70's moustache. All he had to do was touch me on the shoulder and all the butterflies of the universe were fluttering in my stomach! I never forgot my end of school year hug, I wouldn't let him go. In Highschool there was another that I wanted to be with so badly. A newspaper customer on my delivery route "Tom Selic - Magnum PI". He came to the door to pay me for the delivery of his newspaper one morning, he was wearing just a towel. The butterflies in my stomach were Elephants doing summersaults! He saw me staring, I was so hoping he would invite me in or accidently drop his towel. I returned 10 minutes later shaking like a leaf trying to find a reason to see him again - when he answered I mumbled are you a famous baseball player? Can I get your autograph? He said no and shut the door...I went back a 3rd time to say maybe I forgot my hat in his entrance but his wife answered, I was totally crushed.(They cancelled my delivery the next week). I didn't need more proof from Steve, the 6 million dollar man or Michael and his talking car "Kitt". I even hoped one of my gym instructors in highschool would keep me after school in detention just so I could be alone with him.
When I hear of the bullying today and the young suicides my eyes well up with tears. How close, how many times did I want to end my own nightmare. There are two important differences in our generations; then, there was no Internet or Cyber Bullying as it is called. But at the same time I didn't have all the information that is available today letting us know we are just as normal as the next person. Point being in our all boy sex ed. classes we had a visit from two Catholic Nuns that told us things like if we would give a blow job that we would get throat Cancer. The class would roar and throw insults my way as everyone watched me turn red, the teacher in charge would say "calm down boys". It was different times but very similar pain.
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