Dear Gay confused 15 year old me...

Alan, The year is 2012

I am writing you from your future self (Some 34 years from now). I just wanted to tell you, I know I have a strange way of showing it but I do love you. Your journey so far has been complicated to say the least. The bullying is almost over. That girl you like as a friend, she will play an important role in your last two years of high school hell and more. She will soon introduce you to the next level of your role, Hetero sex. As scary as it sounds and as an unwilling player you wanna be, you will do fine. This new complication will at least give you some relief from the daily torcher you are enduring as word will get out and the Bullies will be confused. It will somewhat throw them off your trail. I have so much to tell you but so much you must learn on your own as it will make you who I am today; And I hope you would not want to change me if we were to meet. If I could have been there with the knowledge I have now, Wow...

You are right, you are Gay. That is what they meant all those years they called you a faggot and the dictionary said it was a cigarette or bundle of sticks?! It isn't some temporary puberty thing that doesn't want to wear off. It will never go away but you will one day embrace it. Wanna hug you and say it will be OK. I know you think you are all alone in this world and you are an actor playing the role of your life.

My eyes are full of tears now as I watched you perform, I know it is killing you. I would give you a well deserved trophy for doing what you felt was best. You gave the world at that time what you felt they expected of you. You did it alone feeling like you had a cancer(Gayness) inside of you, rotting away your insides. Not being able to share it with anyone. Oh, by the way, Those Catholic nun's that came to talk to your all boy Ethics class had no clue what they were saying. You will not get throat cancer. Don't waist your time hating those boys that pointed and smirked, "you hear that Hazek" as the nuns turned their attention to your face turning crimson.

It's 1978, so you won't hear of "Gay Straight Alliances" as they won't be invented in time for you. I know there seems like there is nothing but negative information circulating about Homosexuality. You will find some good ones, the times are changing slowly. You will finally find out that the boy in elementary school you felt a connection to, Adam C, the one that had committed suicide over the summer before starting high school was probably actually Gay, a fag as they said. If only you two formed a stronger bond...But "only's" just stay on the floor to be swept away.

I don't know how you persevered. But am glad you did. You re in for a wicked ride.

You will marry that girl from high school hell, have a son, get divorced and don't panic, be a Grandfather in your 49th year. Your son, he will drift away in time for his own reasons but console yourself that you will again have done your very best. He may not handle the Homosexual angle too well.

Great people will come into your life.You will have some incredible lovers and fabulous sex but all in due time.

In other words, thank you, you'll do OK.

There will come a day when Gay(Fag as you know it) will be OK!

It will also be known as Queerness.

Much Luv, your future self.



G(r)ay'ing Old...er

Old and Lonely ... Or am I?

My "Gay World" as parallel as it seems to be to that of its counterpart "Hetero World" is different in so many ways.

It seems or so I have noticed, in the Hetero world, the males  seem to have a biased advantage over us. Age for one; They seem to stay attractive to women late into their twilight years. Yet in the Gay World after 30 years of age you become past dated by most standards. Hetero men can be style challenged and clueless to color co-ordination but their female partners(Or Gay stylists) are happy to step up to the challenge of creating their perfect "Ken". I may not have the so called "Gay savvy" gene but I do get by to the best of my ability with what I have to work with. But looking at allot of the younger crowd of Gays or Queers as they prefer to be called, I am really out of touch.{I am not talking about the "Bear" crowd, but more of "the pretty boys" as we sometimes call them.}(Personally Partial to Pretty, Hairy Masculine Bear types - a combo of both Gay sub cultures).

Recently I read an article about one of the oldest Gay couples that we seemed to know of. Apparently they were together something like 60 years or so. They were in the news as one passed away in his late 90's and his partner(Late 80's) followed suit within days. Speculation was he could not go on without his love of his lifetime. It left me teary eyed yet happy that it showed us in a positive light. That being Gay we are not just a bunch of Man whores or Bimbo's but can be loving devoted partners.

Made me think of my present state of affairs...Single, soon to be 49 in the year 2012, over the hill by Gay standards but self questioning - Am I lonely? I tell myself if you have to ask yourself you probably aren't. I mean I have my 2 dogs that need me and 2 cats(although rather independent still need me to feed and see to their litter needs).

Being my own contradiction is a daunting task! One month I'll be joining a Gay dating website and as soon as I get a few "Winks","Grrr's" or "Woofs" as they call them, I panic and ask myself "What the hell are you doing? Haven't your last relationships that were supposed to last a lifetime hurtful enough?" At least I am not leading anybody on but myself. Maybe psychologically speaking I'm just testing the waters; doing a sort of personal evaluation/rating of myself at this point in time of my life. Now to add the point in fact that once you reach a certain age you slowly get stuck in your ways. Having a partner to share life with would mean getting used to different challenges, presumably mostly good, but - challenges none the less.

So where does this leave me...

Still gonna be 49, still single, only as old as I feel and busy enough not to feel the urge to partner-up anytime soon, or so I have myself convinced at this moment in time.

Let the Hetero world with their ageless males lay claim to endless scores of female affection. I've got my babies(Pets), my memories of Lovers long gone and my knitting...

Knit one, pearl two, Knit one pearl two, Knit one, pearl two...

A lonely old man, I think not...Frustrated, maybe, NOT!

(Or at least that is what my ego claims)

Purple Triangle Blocks

The Art of fitting in or Not...



I'm old enough to remember wooden educational blocks we were given as kids. Similar to their colorful counter part/building blocks except these had a higher mission. Their mission; to test your IQ of sorts. Squares, triangles and circles that had to be put or hammered into their matching oracles. 
When my son was born it was a tricolored hexagonal plastic sphere, blue, red and yellow with colorful shapes that again had to be put into their appropriate holes. Look at me here passing the fitting in torch of sorts. 
Everywhere I look it seems it's always about fitting in or not...

I was(am) the purple triangular block that was supposed to go into the triangular opening but my life was more like putting that block through the round hole where it would get stuck or the square one whereas it would slip through not feeling right. Lucky for me there was no star shape...

Bottom line; I don't feel till this day(49 years of life in 2012) that I fit in a particular category with anything or anybody.
Recently I filled out a profile on yet another Gay oriented dating/chat web site - Why, because I don't know. Maybe I do but...? Just maybe I don't! Lets just sum it up to the need for inclusion.

Again the categories, Top, Bottom Versatile, Masc. Fem. Daddy, Otter, Bear, Polar bear, Boy toy, Twink... We all have our preferences to a certain degree but when do they become such ugly innuendo's like "Fetish"? Seems dirty but not the sexy dirty because here we go again with categorizing!

What if like the song by I believe it was Whitney Houston "I'm every woman" - I'm a little bit of this but more of that but still versatile in this; sort of like a recipe without the measuring instruments...Would you get me? Then again would I get me?(Redundant) Ya, I would!

There was a children's Christmas cartoon when I was a kid and it was about misfit toys that would end up on an island of misfits where Rudolph the red nosed reindeer soon ended up too after alot of bullying from his fellow reindeer. I actually connected somewhat with them. At first I was filled with sadness for them but in my mind turned it around to them being happy together in their world. Then I realized it was again a category in itself...

Where do you go when you feel like a misfit, how did this come about. I've often joked that I am waiting for the mother ship to take me home to my planet of like aliens. There we are, but aren't; we don't even consider fitting in or not, we just is!

I'm so lonely in this business they call a life, it would be a good time to go home.

Can't say I didn't give it a try - and don't tell me I didn't try hard enough!

I'm done.  

Not sure what came first, me the loner or me becoming a loner because I'm not what I feel they want me to be. Maybe because of this grouping thing I subconsciously feel like I am limiting myself somewhat. Stay tuned.